Friday, December 2, 2011

I am from the 80's!!!

I saw the link to this article posted on Facebook repeatedly recently, but I refused to read it. I didn't want to agree with any of it, or claim that I took part in some of it, for that would mean admitting which decade I associate my childhood with. I inevitably decided to glance over it this morning while procrastinating the work that is still waiting to get done. As I feared, I enjoyed, agreed with, and related to the large majority of the article. I do not like to be thought of as a 90's kid. I was born in the 80's. I AM AN 80's KID! Even if the only part of the 80's I lived through I was much too young to remember. But that year, one month, and six days of the 80's that I lived makes me an 80's kid as far as I am concerned, and no one better say any different. I already get the "you're so young" comments all the time. I guess that's what I get for being the youngest in my family, and marrying someone who is nearly 4 years older than me, and is the youngest in his family as well. One day I will no longer be told I am so young, and on that day I will probably long to be called young again. Any way, here is the post. I begrudgingly giggled throughout the whole thing as I remembered the days of my youth....which, I will admit, was mostly in the 90's. In case you ever wondered what I was like as a child (I know you all must have) this was my life. Enjoy. And don't make fun of my youthfulness. :)

10 Things 90's Kids Will Have to Explain to Their Children


While most things we experienced as tots in that headiest of eras seems pretty self-explanatory (plaid was everywhere, Leonardo DiCaprio was the molten ball of light around which the solar system turned, and there was no color too bright for your sweatpants) there are some things that will be a bit harder to explain. Here, a primer for when your future children want to know what the hell you were doing with your boxy, multicolored electronics.

1. Topanga was at some point in human history considered not only a legitimate first name for a human being, but the kind of name that would inspire in malleable teenage boys a life-long infatuation. Topanga, in our day, was leading lady name-material. Topanga (pronounced Tah-payne-ga, for those who will have only ever seen in it written down) is the name of the quintessential girl-next-door who will live, along with Feeney, in our hearts forever!
2. At some point, we carried around little plastic eggs with tiny screens on them — in these screens lived our hearts, our pets, our raison d’ĂȘtre, our very own Tamagotchi [Giga pet in my case]. We loved them, we listened to their tiny electronic screams of malnourishment, and we occasionally forgot to pick up their poop for long enough that they died a tortured, poop-filled death. They were, perhaps, our first foray into the life-consuming world of electronics and self-absorption, later to be fully manifested by Facebook.
3. The black Power Ranger was black and the yellow Power Ranger was Asian because…we were so completely ahead of our time and beyond the capacity to even think in terms of something as inconsequential as race that… uh… I don’t know. Casting directors were racist in the nineties.
4. Long before he was spending his days foisting his mediocre children on us, Will Smith was actually the perfect human specimen. He also undoubtedly holds some world record for saving the world the most times while simultaneously delivering flawless catchphrases, and giving cool guy nods to the camera. The Men in Black rap song, at the time, was created and received by the public without the slightest trace of irony. Really, he was that good.

5. In some inevitable shift of the time-space continuum in which James Cameron continues to rob humanity of all that is good and sacred in this world, Fern Gully will be known as that movie that ripped off Avatar. It will be up to us to crusade for what is right. It is up to us to explain that Fern Gully was not only a predecessor to Avatar, but far better, in that it contained both Tim Curry as a singing pile of molasses and Robin Williams rapping about animal testing in the pharmaceutical industry. (As a side note, if you have not recently listened to the full lyrics of the “Batty Rap,” I recommend you do, as they are horrifying.)

6. A neighborhood boy who completely disregards your family and puts a ladder directly under the teenage girl’s window to climb up at his discretion is not only acceptable, it’s charming. It’s the kind of stuff that would make said family take the ladder boy under their wing and into their heart. The nineties were a simpler time, one where we didn’t have to worry about things like breaking and entering. Clarissa today would have steel bars on the inside of her window and her father would continually remind her that the next-door boy with his ladder and his touchy hands have no place in his household.
7. Though, on the surface, they are the exact same thing in every conceivable way, whether you liked The Backstreet Boys or N*SYNC said more about your character than all of the terrible macaroni art you could ever make for your child psychologist. Essentially, liking *NSYNC meant you liked Justin Timberlake, as he was clearly the Seabiscuit in that race from the get-go. You even liked him with his terrible, icy-blond mini-fro. Liking the Backstreet Boys gave you a bit more of a cultured palate, as there was no clear Diana in those Supremes. Nick was kind of the wholesome, if northern-Florida-redneck safe choice (save for his humiliating younger brother, Aaron). Brian was the shy, sensitive type. AJ was the hottt, dangerous meth addict. Kevin Richardson was mute with sexy, sculpted facial hair. No one liked Howie. Choosing between the two groups was like choosing between two beloved children, but once that line was crossed–there was no going back.
8. “I wanna really, really, really wanna zig a zig ahh,” has a meaning, and all true nineties kids know it, but we must never share it. Like the Illuminati, it must remain between us, the key holders. With great power comes great responsibility.
9. Lisa Frank is not the name of a woman; it is the name of a movement, a culture, a way of living! It is a theory, a concept, a belief in something greater than yourself. It is the belief that all girls are entitled to dolphins covered with rainbows, jewel-encrusted frogs, and unicorns in acid-trip colors hugging each other. It is the ideology that no notebook is complete until it literally hurts your eyes to look at from so much color saturation. It is the hope that no school supply, no matter how insignificant, will be left un-bedazzled. It is the knowledge that your eraser cap, and that of your granddaughter’s, and her granddaughter’s after her, will not be some boring little nub–it will be a diamond covered with butterflies in a rainbow of colors. It is the dream of a better tomorrow.
10. Incredibly depressing women in Indiana covered in cats and glass figurines they buy at The Hallmark Store used to troll the web 1.0 to invest thousands of dollars in tiny stuffed animals filled with plastic beans. That happened. Beanie Babies were not just significant; they were the first example most of us had of envy, greed, and wrath. If someone messed up that little heart-shaped Ty tag, so help you God, that was the end of whatever contact you had with that monster of a human being. That tag-less Beanie Baby was now trash, and you had to deal with the consequence. It was at that moment, that de-valued Beanie Baby moment, that most of us accepted the truth… we’ll never have nice things.

Man I loved beanie babies. 

Well, that's all.



Londi said...

Wait a minute.. I LOVE HOWIE!!! Howie is the romantic sweetheart that could sing love songs like nobody else. I still love him, only now it's not in a "I have a crush on him way". haha. I loved all five of them and I still do.

Chelise said...

I want to com see your tree in real life and your house. I bet it's way cute with all the decor up.

hollyolly8 said...

Then come on over and see it :)
That stupid picture I put up keeps disappearing and reappearing. So weird.

Em said...

Loved this post haha! It gave me and my sister a good laugh!